Whenever I need a break from sports or political betting, it’s fun to mosey on over to that strange and sordid little section of online odds making known as “celebrity and entertainment specials,” where – wait…Elon Musk and Johnny Depp are having a cage match?!?
And you can already bet on it?
Let’s see where this rabbit hole goes…
If there’s anything positive to say for 2020, this year knows how to generate a hell of a headline.
One day people are arguing over whether or not the President encouraged his citizens to ingest bleach to combat a virus. Before that, it was the meth-addled Tiger King and his rival – who most likely fed her late husband to a tiger. Meanwhile, world leaders are convening on a shady Caribbean island, whose owner died under mysterious circumstances in federal custody.
Like 99% of all conflicts initiated between two otherwise decent men – (if I’m still allowed to say things like this in 2020) — at the heart of this proposal for mutual combat is a love interest. More specifically, an insane love interest – actress Amber Heard.
Following her divorce from Johnny Depp, Heard was romantically lcinked to Musk for a time. In an ongoing libel suit against the British newspaper The Sun, Depp alleges that his ex-wife and the Tesla founder were having an affair before their divorce.
During the trial, one of the Pirates of the Caribbean star’s texts about Elon was read aloud. It said:
In response to the threat lobbied at his genitals that Elon Musk joked to the New York Times:
So now, here we are!
This is obviously more of a novelty bet. It’s astronomically improbable that one of the world’s richest men will participate in a cage fight.
Although, I remember a Friends episode based on this exact premise. John Favreau played a super-rich guy dating Monica – she thought he was going to propose when he broke the news he was training for the UFC. If I remember correctly, Tank Abbott made a cameo and waxed Monica’s dude within seconds of the bell ringing.
Granted, Johnny Depp is a much softer opponent than 1990’s Tank Abbott, but Musk still has quite a bit more to lose than he could he possibly gain from subjecting himself to such an absurd spectacle. I mean – how would Tesla’s stock value react to the face of the franchise making these kinds of decisions? Elon’s already pressing his luck with his weirdo Twitter account. I’m pretty sure the board already gave him a talking-to after the whole ordeal about smoking pot on Joe Rogan’s podcast.
Depp doesn’t seem any more likely than Musk to be interested in a sanctioned fight. From the beginning, he’s been more about going the castration route – which is several degrees beyond the kind of rage that may be satiated by mixed martial arts.
Plus, Amber Heard released some pictures of Johnny passed out on the floor, with all kinds of booze and drugs lying around nearby. The actor seems to have absorbed more of Hunter S Thompson’s personality than anyone had realized.
Now, according to the amounts of cocaine in the pics, it’s possible Depp could hype himself up enough to agree to a cage match – and if allowed to use the drug on fight night, might even be a formidable foe. But then you’re talking about an event with no sanctioning whatsoever, which will come into play in the next section.
The point is, you’re making this wager to have fun, to share the bet slip on social media / with friends, and as a “just in case.” It will assuredly be resolved as a “push,” once this story never goes anywhere, and the fight doesn’t happen.
Where will the Musk-Depp Cage Fight Take Place?
|(BetOnline) Location||Betting Odds|
|Fight Island (Abu Dhabi)||+300|
As I mentioned, where the “Battle of the Amber Heard Victims” will be held is entirely dependent upon how “official” they want the event to be. For it to be held in a state with a combat sports sanctioning body and promoter regulations, Depp and Musk will have to comply with health standards like getting a physical and not being coked up or drunk on fight night.
If that photo was any indication, the latter might be a non-starter. Aside from the minute possibility that they’d hold the bout at a Tribal casino or venue, that eliminates Los Angeles (+250), Florida (+500).
United Kingdom +400
In the UK, where Johnny Depp’s libel suit is ongoing, Amber’s exes might have more luck. There are no regulatory requirements for MMA promoters or fighters there, which provides the kind of laissez-faire attitude towards safety we’re going to need around this thing to get it off the ground.
Plus, if Depp is already in the UK for the trial, it only makes sense to schedule the fight somewhere nearby. I believe Jack Sparrow also owns a residence in France, which is close enough for him to live and train without having to go back-and-forth across the Atlantic.
Elon Musk also has an incentive to host the event in the United Kingdom. Upon hearing of Musk’s cage match challenge, Conor McGregor’s MMA coach offered to train the Space X boss. John Kavanagh runs Straight Blast Gym (SBG) Ireland conveniently located in a Dublin.
— Coach Kavanagh (@John_Kavanagh) July 27, 2020
And trust me, Elon could use the coaching. The billionaire mentioned doing Tae Kwon Do as a kid to Joe Rogan and expressed interest in pursuing Brazilian jiu-jitsu — but I’ve never been more confident than in my assessment that there’s no way in hell Elon Musk can scrap. I’m not even talking about relative to real MMA fighters – just regular adults.
In addition to growing up incredibly well-off, Elon was always an extremely nerdy guy – he dedicated his life to “tech-y” stuff. You can tell from his tweets and how he acts in those long-form Joe Rogan interviews that his whole persona is a rich nerd’s approximation of what “cool” is. He’s what happens if you hand an incel billions of dollars and global notoriety overnight.
Those guys usually can’t fight.
Both parties have a reason to be on that side of the pond, and we can avoid regulations and health standards; the UK looks pretty ideal.
Like I said, Johnny Depp apparently lives in France part-time. Since he’ll soon be wrapping up a legal battle centered around allegations of physically abusing his ex-wife, Depp might not want to so-much-as hear the word “fight” within the United Kingdom’s borders when this is all done.
If a promoter wants to maximize their odds of making this happen, the move is to make it as convenient for Johnny Depp as possible. Elon is strange and obsessed enough with self-promotion to pursue the event if someone gets the ball rolling; a 57-year-old beaten down actor with a now-legendary drug habit must encounter zero resistance if he’s to make it to the cage when it’s time.
On a positive note, France finally legalized mixed martial arts in February, lifting the ban that’s prevented UFC from expanding their presence there. Unfortunately, the sport now falls under the jurisdiction of the French Boxing Federation.
After such a long push to get MMA legalized, nobody is going to sanction a bout between two rich “Eskimo Brothers,” feuding over a shared ex.
South Africa +600
South Africa’s native son returns home! Although, I’m not sure it’d be the warmest reception.
According to the book, “Elon Musk: Tesla, SpaceX, and the Quest for a Fantastic Future,” written by Ashlee Vance, Errol Musk – the entrepreneur’s father – owned one of the largest homes in Pretoria. If Elon moved away from South Africa at 17, that places him leaving the country roughly two years before apartheid was abolished.
On the other hand, if you become wealthy and influential enough, people will forgive just about anything if it means they can claim you as “one of their own.” A pinch of vicarious success can go a long way.
Even accepting the preposterous premise that this cage fight would ever happen, I’m saying there’s no way they’d hold it in South Africa.
Pirate Ship (+1000) or Mars (+2000)
Unless there’s room for a cage on the ship in the Tampa Bay Buccaneers’ endzone, Pirates of the Caribbean style ships haven’t existed for over a hundred years. I suppose they could try the modern-day pirates’ variants, but then you’re talking about either little rubber speedboats or a stolen vessel.
As for Mars…
Imagine two men hating each other enough to engage in fisticuffs in their 50’s, agreeing to travel millions of miles together in the tight living quarters of a Space X rocket. They arrive on this distant planet, become the first humans to set foot on the red sand, build the required infrastructure to sustain life, and then, after that historic mission — with all its necessary cooperation – beat each other up.
Oh, — and I hope you got everything out of your system during the bout, because 1) you’re stuck living together for the rest of your lives, and 2) neither of you is ever seeing Amber Heard again.
Will Amber Heard Attend Musk-Depp Cage Fight?
I would love to live in the kind of sick Bizzaro-world where this cage match could not only happen, but Amber Heard would attend the event like a High School movie. She’d sit in place of prominence, like a lifeguard stand overlooking the cage, then the winner gets to be her boyfriend or take her to prom or whatever.
The image of two unbelievably successful middle-aged guys immaturely clawing at each other and spilling blood in a cage over the approval of an unstable B-list actress cracks me up.
Heard to Attend?
- Markets Odds
- No -1000
- Yes +550
Why not set the odds for “yes” at +5500000? What’s the difference?
Especially coupled with the other Musk vs. Depp betting markets. Is Amber traveling to Europe to attend as the special guest of the evening? Is she going to astronaut school so she can hitch a ride on their rocket ship to Mars?
I won’t go into how the pirate ship option would play out.
Even in a parallel reality where these two agreed to fight, Amber Heard then agreeing to watch a brawl between the ex-husband she’s accused of domestic violence and the man who — according to court transcripts — texted her:
Doesn’t sound like someone she’s very enthusiastic about seeing.
Cage Fight Winner
That brings us to the question at the heart of this matter: who would actually win in a fight?
- Musk is 8 years younger than the actor at 49 – experts estimate that he’s 6 ft. 2 in. tall and weighs 181 pounds.
- Depp is 57 years old, stands at an estimated 5 ft. 10 in., and weighs approximately 172 pounds.
Shockingly, besides the age, they’re relatively evenly matched as far as height and weight are concerned. Fighters with those dimensions could easily be in the same weight class.
- Elon is younger, slightly heavier, has more resources and access to the best coaches and training/recovery modalities, and seems to have a cleaner lifestyle.
- Johnny Depp recently testified to the British High Court that he’s been doing drugs since he was a child and allegedly maintains a cocaine-and-booze-fueled lifestyle to this day.
However, whatever the decades of drinking and hard drugs may cost Depp in terms of physical health, they’ll make up for in tenacity, numbness to pain, and unpredictability. Particularly if the actor is allowed to drink and do drugs immediately before and/or during the fight.
- Matchup Odds
- Elon Musk -300
- Johnny Depp +200
Johnny also has a mental edge.
Elon was texting Amber when she and Depp were still married. He got to play the whole “Indecent Proposal,” “billionaire-rebound-guy swooping in to steal your girl” role through the divorce and aftermath. Other than Heard not returning his calls or texts, Tesla man has nothing to be mad about.
Depp, on the other hand, is talking about removing people’s “manhood.”
And judging by everything dredged up in court, he’s internalized a lot of the rage and tenacity that defined his close friend, Hunter S Thompson.
Without several years of fight experience, the pampered billionaire won’t have the tools to defend against the intensity of a heartbroken cocaine user with nothing left to lose. It’s like fending off a charging rabid coyote while checking the mail in your robe and socks.