Here’s a message I wasn’t expecting this weekend: “We need you to write about the Justin Bieber versus Tom Cruise betting odds.”
We live in a very strange world.
One minute, you’re hanging out on a Sunday afternoon, getting things ready for the week, with a decent grasp on reality and the world around you. The sun rises in the east and sets in the west; water freezes at 32 degrees Fahrenheit; only washed up D-listers and YouTube sensations take part in Celebrity Boxing (and MMA) matches.
The next minute, Justin Bieber is turning the entertainment world on its head with a single grammatically incorrect tweet challenging Tom Cruise, of all people, to a scrap in the octagon. As you’d expect, Twitter responded with the excitement and fascination that such an event deserves, and the oddsmakers and fight promoters weren’t far behind.
Some entertainment betting sites even set betting odds already, with Bieber opening as the favorite:
Fighter To Win
Conor McGregor chimed in shortly after that offering to host the bout, tweeting: “If Tom Cruise is man enough to accept this challenge, McGregor Sports and Entertainment will host the bout. Does Cruise have the sprouts to fight, like he does in the movies? Stay tuned to find out!”
Oscar De La Hoya’s Golden Boy promotions threw their hat into the proverbial ring as well. This thing is picking up steam in a hurry!
There’s no point in even worrying about “how” or “why” any of this is happening. It will never make any sense. All that matters now is that we do everything in our power to make these two mega-stars of their respective generations follow through.
I’ll do my part by writing this blog post as if it were already scheduled and sanctioned. The quantum physics gurus told me that, through intense visualization and a strong belief that an outcome has already happened, I can manifest my own destiny. Now, I don’t know if those powers rival Tom’s super Scientology abilities, but we must hold out hope.
I wanna challenge Tom Cruise to fight in the octagon. Tom if you dont take this fight your scared and you will never live it down. Who is willing to put on the fight? @danawhite ?
— Justin Bieber (@justinbieber) June 10, 2019
Tale of the Tape
The first thing that comes to mind when you think about such a fight taking place is, naturally, the drastic age difference. I’ll get into why I’m not sure that will matter all that much in the following sections, but for now let’s take a quick look at the objective measurables that will be at play when these two square-off:
|Justin Bieber||Tom Cruise|
|Height||5’ 7”||5’ 7”|
|Athletic Background||Basketball, Singing and dancing, Boxing workouts||Does all of his own stunts, The best sprinter in the history of movies, Beach volleyball, and the Power of Aliens|
So, The Biebs is younger, and we’ve actually seen him play sports. In fact, he’s even won the NBA All-Star Celebrity Game MVP before!
But let me ask you this, does he have the tenacity to lead a massive international cult? Does Justin have what it takes to cleanse his body of ancient alien beings?
My man Tom Cruise has been “clear” for years now, and he’s the second in command of Scientology. He’s on a mission to save the world from thetans, a race of beings sent to Earth as frozen souls by their emperor Xenu over 75 million years ago, who then landed in volcanos that were hydrogen-bombed, scattering them everywhere and allowing them to attach to human vessels!
Does that sound like someone you’d want to be locked in a cage with? I think not.
Handicapping Justin Bieber vs. Tom Cruise
When this bout is officially scheduled—thus revealing, once and for all, that we live in a computer simulation and that none of this is real—there will be multiple variables that ultimately decide who goes home the victor. Here are some of the key factors that are driving my predictions for the fight.
Things like speed, power, strength, and agility are always crucial components of any combat sport, but they become particularly vital when dealing with amateur fighters. With less-developed skillsets than the professionals, it’s much more challenging to overcome any athletic deficiencies by using technique and strategy for novices.
For that reason, I’m assuming that Justin Bieber has the advantage in this department. Age plays an enormous role in fitness, as Bieber is still in his physical prime. At 25, you’re faster and have more stamina than your 56-year-old opponent.
That being said, we aren’t talking about an average 56-year-old. According to his Mission Impossible castmates, Tom Cruise’s dedication and discipline when it comes to diet and fitness are otherworldly. He never has a cheat meal and never skips the gym. This is a guy that’s still doing all of his own stunts, and he stars, almost exclusively, in big-budget action flicks.
Cruise may not have his Top Gun muscles, but who knows what kind of secret alien technology he’s been using to still look 30 years younger than his actual age.
We know that Justin Bieber has some boxing training since he famously worked out with Floyd Mayweather Jr. for a time. Assuming he continues hitting the mitts and heavy bag here and there, he’s probably got some decent pop in his punches these days. If the fight is booked, you can also count on the pop star to receive top-notch training with all of the best state-of-the-art tools and technologies money can buy.
Despite not knowing too much about Tom Cruise’s day-to-day life, we can assume that he trains like a maniac. Nobody worth as much money as he is, while simultaneously the second-in-command of an enormous religion, has any business doing all of their own stunts in action movies. Like, he’s seriously a legitimate professional stuntman now, by all accounts.
Not only do his responsibilities as a stuntman require Tom to stay physically fit, but he has to be able to take a beating as well. Legend has it that he once completed a HALO dive on a broken ankle! That’s the sort of experience that’s hard to come by and will be invaluable in the cage.
“I love what I do. I take great pride in what I do. And I can’t do something halfway, three-quarters, nine-tenths. If I’m going to do something, I go all the way.” – Tom Cruise, 2003.
Do you remember Tom Cruise jumping up and down on Oprah’s couch? Or intensely staring into Matt Lauer’s eyes as he called him “glib?”
Tom Cruise has a gift, at least for the world of fighting, called “the tenacity of crazy.” There are some people who are just so locked-in and obsessed with anything in which they take part that there’s no way a regular mortal can hope to match their effort. Everything I’ve ever seen or read about Cruise suggests he’s one of these people.
On fight night, it wouldn’t surprise me to find out that Tom moved in with the US Men’s Olympic wrestling team to prepare or that he traveled to some unknown Muay Thai academy in the outskirts of Thailand and dedicated himself to training like the masters. Give this man a singular focus like destroying Bieber, and there’s no telling the lengths the actor may go!
Meanwhile, Justin Bieber has been living the good life for nearly his entire existence now. In the not-so-distant past, we were hearing about all of his partying, which included some rumors of drinking and drug use. Can you live like Caligula and still develop that insane drive to excel in combat? I’m skeptical.
MMA vs. Boxing
The fact that Justin included Dana White in his tweet is very interesting to me. If this were expected to be a boxing match, I’d like the singer’s chances much more. He could use more of his reach and youthful agility to move around and peck away with little pop shots. But in the octagon, he’s dealing with a whole ‘nother animal.
Cruise can neutralize many of Bieber’s advantages by merely pressing him against the cage, where he can then either try to pull the younger man to the ground or wear him out with some dirty boxing. That’s where some Randy Couture-like old man strength will work best, dealing damage while serving the purpose of tiring and slowing his opponent.
The lead up to this bout will be absolutely bonkers. On one side, you have the Bieber fanbase, which I’m assuming still mostly consists of girls between the ages of 14 and 28. If Twitter is any indication, quite a large percentage of this group is mentally unstable and willing to do almost anything for their dream guy. Cruise will have to be especially cautious about eating or drinking anything in public for risk of poisoning. They will also likely harass him non-stop, which could cause sleeping problems.
However, these tactics are mere child’s play to the Church of Scientology. I won’t go into too much detail here, as I’m scared it will happen to me, but go watch the documentaries that are out there. These people can find out everything about you and have no issues following you around just to make you nuts. They forced the IRS to back down, for god sakes. THE IRS!!!
Should this bout get ugly in its trash talk, I shudder to think of what The Biebs will have to deal with leading up to fight night.
I mean, what more can you really say? Tom Cruise is in the midst of a lifelong battle against an ancient alien race. And he appears to be doing quite well. It’s difficult to predict how this will play a role in a celebrity MMA match, but I can’t imagine there’s anything such experience wouldn’t impact in some way.
Apparently, Tom’s current rank in the Church of Scientology essentially makes him a deity. Rumor has it that he’s an “OT8” which “gives him control over matter and energy.” That power seems pretty damn useful in a fist fight.
“Show Me the Money!”
I’m sure you’ve figured it out by now, but I’m all in on Tom Cruise against Justin Bieber. The kid’s got some real guts calling out someone as manic and intense as this aging actor, but they’re going to get him into trouble here.
Between his decades of experience as a stuntman, impeccable diet and fitness routine, and an entire legion of acolytes at his disposal, Tom will swarm and overwhelm the young singer in the octagon. I see a fight very reminiscent of Randy Couture versus Vitor Belfort 3, with the older competitor gradually grinding his opposition into a pulp with a brutal mix of dirty boxing and wrestling.
To be able to bet Cruise at underdog odds makes it that much sweeter. If by some miracle this event actually gets made, I’m telling you right now: Put every penny you can spare on Tom Cruise at +150 odds! Mortgage the house, pull out loans, sell the fine china, whatever you have to do. Don’t worry, you’ll be getting it back following an emphatic second-round TKO.
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