With less than a month before the 2020 presidential election – an election many are framing as an existential crisis for the United States – we are in the midst of a nonstop barrage of political betting headlines.
- The President is back on the campaign trail after battling covid-19,
- A Supreme Court confirmation hearing with the potential to give conservatives a 6-3 majority on the highest court in the land is in progress,
- Early voting has already begun and running into some expected snags, and
- the Vice-Presidential candidates met in a live debate, while what was planned to be the second presidential debate was canceled.
That’s why I’m talking about celebrity boxing betting! More specifically, a hypothetical celebrity boxing match between Donald Trump and Joseph Biden.
So, let’s take a break from all the seriousness and the unrelenting barrage of performative hysterics and figure out which one of these old codgers would win in a fight!
The system we’ve been using produced a crazy reality TV show host and a senile (allegedly) 77-year-old with a long history of corruption, so what do we really have to lose?!
Donald Trump vs. Joe Biden Boxing Odds
- Donald Trump-175
- Joe Biden+135
I will preface this by saying I absolutely adore the oddsmakers over at MyBookie. They routinely provide the most creative betting lines, giving me tons of fun fodder for off-the-wall articles. If I had to solely focus on the serious political stuff going on, it’d send me down an even worse spiral of depression and despair.
That said, they are extremely lucky this fight won’t ever actually take place. Because these betting odds are way too close! Trump should be favored by at least –350, based on – if nothing else — his size advantage, coronavirus recovery, and Biden’s age.
If, by some miracle, the aliens finally invade and force this celebrity boxing match to happen, Donald Trump is an absolute steal at –175. Bet the house!
Nevertheless, let’s turn to the “tale of the tape…”
Tale of the Tape
Favorite: Donald Trump (-175)
- Age: 74
- Height: 6 ft. 3 in.
- Est. Weight:244 lbs
As you can see from his measurements, Donald Trump has a considerable size advantage coming into the bout.
He’s not only several inches taller; the President is also four years younger and significantly heavier than his Democratic rival.
I’m assuming that, despite being taller, the difference in the two politicians’ wingspans is negligible. Biden was 6’1” in his younger days and appears to have looser, more flexible shoulders – where Trump holds his in a mild, but perpetual, shrug that will cost him a little reach.
It’s worth noting that Trump attended high school at the New York Military Academy, which he claims has provided him with “more training militarily than a lot of the guys that go into the military.”
That’s so patently absurd; it’s not worth disputing. Nevertheless, there is evidence the son of the wealthy real-estate developer, Fred Trump, was a natural athlete. His yearbooks show the future President playing varsity soccer, baseball, and football.
“He was intelligent, he presented himself well, he was athletic,” said Arthur Schoenewaldt, Trump’s former roommate. “I even heard from some of the coaches and stuff he could have played professional baseball.”
Donald clearly hasn’t retained much of that athleticism throughout the decades. Still, if he ever had the genetics to play professional sports, he might have enough left in the tank to at least gain an edge over a demented 160-pound 77-year-old who frequently forgets where he is.
Trump’s primary concern when squaring off against Joe is stamina.
A celebrity boxing bettor might expect the President’s stamina to suffer further from his recent coronavirus infection. However, whatever drugs they’ve got Trump hopped up on appear to be working wonders on his energy levels. (I’m going to go ahead and assume USADA won’t be testing our two presidential candidates for performance-enhancing drugs before the bout.)
Look at the man “float like a butterfly” at a campaign rally this week!
Trump dancing to YMCA. Enjoy. pic.twitter.com/eHQyfMCKxo
— Brandon Darby (@brandondarby) October 13, 2020
In fact, do yourself a favor and check out the highlights from this MAGA gathering. The man has a certain vigor that Joe Biden seems to have lost in the recent past.
I’m not saying it’s a particularly inspiring or “presidential” vigor, but as a long-time connoisseur of combat sports, I can’t help but think it’s unorthodox and surreal enough to transfer to in-ring performance in some potentially-beneficial way.
Underdog: Joe Biden +135
- Age: 77
- Height: 5 ft. 11.5 in.
- Est. Weight:160 lbs
If there’s anything Joe Biden’s limited public appearances have demonstrated this election cycle, it’s that this is a man that really needs to be participating in combat sports. Nothing like a little blunt force trauma in your late 70s to add some spice to the already-depressing display of sundowning.
When it comes to the Democratic brawler’s mental well-being, this week has already been a doozy.
He forgot the office for which he’s running, telling attendees to his Toledo drive-in rally: “We have to come together, that’s what I’m running,” began the 77-year-old presidential candidate on Monday. “I’m running as a proud Democrat for the Senate.”
"I'm running as a proud Democrat for the Senate"
– Joe Biden pic.twitter.com/7LTFdJQMgF
— Trump War Room – Text TRUMP to 88022 (@TrumpWarRoom) October 13, 2020
On the same day, he forgot Mitt Romney’s name – ultimately settling on “the Senator who is a Mormon” instead. A fitting enough name, if not a bit reductive.
“You may remember,” Biden told reporters, in reference to his opposition of Democrats criticizing Supreme Court nominee Amy Coney Barrett’s faith, “I got in trouble when we were running against that senator who was a Mormon, the governor.”
In strange, bumbling video, @JoeBiden won’t refer to Senator Mitt Romney by name, instead calling him…
“The Senator who is a Mormon..:”
— Kayleigh McEnany (@kayleighmcenany) October 13, 2020
If you’ve ever watched a once-great boxer hang on to their fighting career for too long, you know that the chin goes right around the time signs of CTE begin to show in the athlete’s behavior. A lost thought here, some slurred speech there, and pugilists who once owned granite chins as a source of pride are hitting the canvass with every brisk breeze that whips across their faces.
(Just watch early Chuck Liddell or Roy Jones Jr performances compared to when they were past their prime. Shots that would barely register a few years prior suddenly leave them sprawled out and in need of medical attention just to exit the ring.)
I simultaneously wish I knew the answer, yet desperately do not want to find out.
Health concerns aside, if you’re gauging Joe Biden’s martial prowess of Joe Biden, there’s no better place to start than the “Legend of Corn Pop.”
My favorite part has to be: “Remember the straight razors, you’d bang them on the curb, get em’ rusty? Put them in a rain barrel, get em’ rusty?”
No, Mr. Biden, I cannot say that I remember a single human being I’ve ever encountered doing anything close to that – nor do I recall “bad dudes” with names like “Corn Pop.”
Dramatic reenactment of Joe Biden’s lifeguarding days (Warning: Violent):
Was Will Ferrell’s Anchorman parodying Gangs of New York during their epic group battle scenes? I never knew that, but it’s too close to be a coincidence.
Along with visions of street battles between groups of immigrants in the 1800’s, the Corn Pop story gives us some insight into the former vice president’s mind. He may be battling senility and age today, but he’s always been crazy.
The Democratic candidate for the presidency of the United States of America told a group of children, standing around a public swimming pool, that during his days of working there as a lifeguard, a mechanic – and “the only [other?] white guy” employed at the pools – gave him a six-foot chain and instructions to tell three neighborhood tough guys armed with rusty blades that “you may cut me, but I’m going to wrap this chain around your head.”
That’s a story only an insane person would share with children – not to mention in front of cameras! A brain that decided to tell children about Corn Pop and his razor blade, believing that was the right move, is a wildly unpredictable brain.
You may think you’re in a celebrity boxing match, only to find yourself confused and howling in pain as you slowly process the former Delaware Senator’s dentures clamped firmly around your nose early in the first round.
How Would the Fight Go?
I’m assuming both fighters will be equipped with 16-ounce gloves and headgear. They’d also probably compete in three one or two-minute rounds.
One or two minutes is about the maximum amount of time such a bout could ever last. There’s very little hope of this going past the first, regardless of who wins – in the unlikely event there’s a winner.
Between the adrenaline and pressure of whatever chaos managed to facilitate such an event, it’s highly probable that both fighters would die in the ring. I’m guessing of cardiac arrest.
If anyone won, it’d be Donald Trump.
When two untrained fighters are flailing away at each other, size matters a lot. An athlete needs extensive training and skill to keep a larger opponent at bay with footwork and technique.
Throw in Biden’s current cognitive concerns and what I predict to be a chin dramatically weakened with age, and I see the Democrat eating the canvass after a lazy, flailing hook clubs the side of his 77-year-old noggin.
For Joe Biden to win, he’d need to stay outside of Trump’s sloppy bullrushes for at least one round.
Wait for his Adderall, Sudafed, or mysterious post-COVID uppers to wear off alongside his adrenalin dump, then tip him over like a sleeping cow in the second. The ref will give him the classic “Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out” King Hippo ten-count, and that’ll be it.
Unfortunately, that strategy takes tact – and well…strategy. Based on what I’ve seen of Joe Biden in 2020, those qualities are in short supply.
Odds are, Joe forgets what year it is, sees visions of Corn Pop across the ring, and charges forward with the confidence and bravery of a 16-year-old lifeguard, proud of his thick, luxurious leg hair. Everything after that is a big orange blur.