Good gambling jokes can take the edge off a bad beat and help you remember there’s always another day to try again! That’s exactly what you need sometimes, especially after you lose and the negative emotions pile up.
Here are some jokes about gambling that cover themes like Vegas, horse racing, card games, and sports to make you laugh the next time you’re on the casino floor!
Las Vegas Jokes About Gambling
Sin City has a whole lot of ways to win and lose your money. Of course, there are plenty of good gambling jokes and one-liners we can enjoy as well.
Rodney Dangerfield provided some of the best jokes about gambling throughout his career as a stand-up comedian. Here are a couple of his gems, as well as a wonderful YouTube compilation of some of Dangerfield’s funniest jokes about gambling.
“I tell ya. Las Vegas, they got slot machines all over, even in supermarkets. I went in to buy a container of milk. Cost me $238.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“I’m not a kid anymore, I know I’m getting old. In Vegas, I played the slot machine. Three prunes came up.” — Rodney Dangerfield
Here’s another betting joke that has been circulating the gambling world for some time. There’s no one person to credit, but it provides a little bit of dark humor.
“People say gambling ruins lives, but it brought our family closer. We now live in a one-bedroom unit.”
And if you’ve ever wondered how to strike it rich in Vegas consider this one:
“How do you become a millionaire through gambling? Start out as a billionaire.”
Poker and Card Game Gambling Jokes and Quotes
Here are a few humorous card game and poker jokes to use around the table the next time you or one of your friends suffers a bad beat.
One of the funniest comedians ever was the late George Carlin, an American who always had a wonderful and comedic way of looking at the simple things we do on a daily basis.
“Avoid people with gold teeth who want to play cards.” — George Carlin
Like Carlin, American stand-up comedian Mitch Hedman is in that great joke factory in the sky laughing with Carlin, Dangerfield, Robin Williams, Don Rickles, Richard Pryor, and Sam Kinison, but he left us with plenty of humor and gambling puns.
“I like to play blackjack. I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.” — Mitch Hedberg
Here’s another funny blackjack pun to use the next time you find yourself dealing cards.
“I had to quit my job at the blackjack table. I just couldn’t deal anymore.”
Has it been a while since you hit a straight flush? Fire up this casino joke at your next poker game as you excuse yourself from the table.
“Your best chance to get a straight flush in a casino is in the bathroom.”
Gambling Jokes About Horse Racing
Maybe no other gambling endeavor has provided us with as many seriously funny gambler jokes as horse racing.
Here is one of our favorite horse betting jokes from Dangerfield:
“I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.” — Rodney Dangerfield
And here is another horse gem from another great British-born (London) and American comedian who is no longer with us, Henny Youngman, who passed away at the age of 91.
“The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.”
Former UK jockey and geneticist David Howard has an entire page of great horse racing jokes that can be found at his website, and here’s one of the best that made me laugh:
“A man wakes up in the morning and it is 5:55 am The temperature is 55° and the humidity is 55%. He turns on his TV to channel 5. He gets up and it is May 5. He heads to work and his car has 55,555.5 miles on the odometer.
He gets to work and goes to the 5th floor. He has 5 messages. It dawns on him. He rushes to the race track. His ticket is $5 and he is put in Section 5, Row 5, Seat 5. In the 5th race is a Horse called, “Double Nickels”.
He understands fate has spoken. He bets his entire bank account and maxes all credit cards. The race is won … Double Nickels came in fifth.”
Let’s highlight one more from Howard’s page as well here.
“I was at the track and asked a guy for a tip. He asked me how long my pecker was, I told him 8 inches, he said to bet on the 8 horse. The 3 horse won the race … damn, I knew I shouldn’t have lied.”
Betty Grable was at one time America’s highest-paid woman as an actress, singer, and dancer. She had this to say about why she prefers horses over men.
“You’re better off betting on a horse than betting on a man. A horse may not be able to hold you tight, but he doesn’t wanna wander from the stable at night.”
Sports Betting Jokes
Do you enjoy betting on sports? If so, then this section is for you as we look at a couple of witty one-liners and sports betting jokes.
“Why don’t sports bettors get heart attacks? Because they lost their heart a long time ago!”
“Why did the bettor break up with his girlfriend? She was too much of a long shot!”
This one is attributed to Wyatt Earp, a 1920s lawman, gunslinger, and gambler. It likely wasn’t about sports betting, but it’s a great gambling one-liner you can use today, too.
“The less you bet, the more you lose when you win!”
What Are Your Favorite Gambling Jokes?
Now that we’ve shared some of our top jokes on gambling and favorite quotes, we want to know yours.
Have you told any betting jokes that have left the room in tears? Is there a good gambling pun that always cheers you up? Share your favorites in the comments so we can all have a laugh.
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